Just Be

“There’s no point dwelling on the bad.”

“You just have to be optimistic.”

“There’s always a silver lining.”

“There is a reason for everything.”

“It could be worse.”

“Be thankful that you’re alive.”

Day in and day out. Words of encouragement. Words of wisdom. Supporting hugs and kind words.

“Be optimistic, Christine. It will be worse if you get depressed.”

Really? It will be worse, huh?

Worse than having an incurable autoimmune disease? Worse than being in pain all day every day? Worse than being diagnosed with cancer?

Just be brave. Just be optimistic. Just be strong. Just be confident. Just be happy. Just be.

Had anyone out there stopped to think that it’s hard to be optimistic all the time? That it’s exhausting plastering a smile on my face?

I get scared.

I worry.

I wonder if I’m going to make it.

I wonder how much time I have left.

I wonder if my mom will outlive me.

I cry.

I sob.

I get mad and I throw things.

I can’t be everything you want me to be.

I just want to be me. How much longer will I get to do that? When will she be gone completely?

You want me to be all these things to make YOURSELF feel better.

I just want to be. To exist. To be.

Just be.

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