Disappointment is a fact of life. It’s going to happen no matter what, at some point, whether you want it or not. Most likely not as I don’t know anyone who wants to be disappointed. But what I’ve come to find during my time being ill is that disappointment hits me so much harder than if I were a normal healthy person.
I remember the days before this, the days I lived normally, had a regular 9 to 5, dated, had relationships, went out with friends at night, etc. There were definitely times where I felt rejection, disappointment, sorrow; I mean these are all parts of human nature and connection. But I got through it, found a way to move on or start over, process the feeling and swallow the hurt, continue on with life as you need to.
But now, when people disappoint me, or upset me, or do something purposefully hurtful, well it’s just so much worse. I guess it’s because when I dealt with bummer situations before, I was able to shrug it off because that was life, you need to take things with a grain of salt, not dwell. And at the end of the day I always knew that there were people out there that just suck. I mean we can’t all be fabulous! As I see it if people’s actions or words let you down you have two choices…
1) You can get mad, throw a fit, and let your sentiment be known that you are PISSED.
2) You can shrug it off. Take the higher road. Move on and learn from the experience, or mistake, whichever scenario the disappointment encompasses.
But when you’re sick, there’s an option three. Now I guess it depends on your illness, be it short lived, or aggressive and deadly like many of us unfortunately. Anyways,
3) Brood. You sit, you agonize, you wonder. And because you’re sick, and like in my case have time on your hands, you go through the scenario or experience or rejection or conversation and pick it apart piece by piece to analyze it.
There’s no sticking a pin in this one for later, you’ve got all the time you want right now to sit, ponder, and brood. Why did that person flake on me? Why did that person hurt me? Why wasn’t I invited to that BBQ? Why was I not thanked for helping someone out?
They may be small things, or large, but when you’re sick, a disappointment that seems small to anyone else is magnified to you. And you can’t stop it. It’s one of those festering sores that you pick at slowly even though it’s started to scab over. You don’t care. You have all the time in the world. And I won’t lie when I say some of my disappointments probably seen silly and ridiculous to others.
For example, yesterday my favorite hair clip broke. Small, silly, replaceable in the eyes of someone else. But for me, I was really upset. I’d had that clip for ages. I’ve never seen another one like it, deeming it irreplaceable in my eyes. Also being poor and broke makes hair accessories not high on the shopping necessity list. It was very handy, I’d always kept it in my bag in case of hair emergencies. I was really bummed. Now, I didn’t cry about it. I mean it’s a piece of plastic. But not having a lot of money at my disposal, or a car to run around looking for a similar product, made the loss a pretty big bummer for me.
On a much larger scale, I was disappointed in someone’s actions towards me last month. So disappointed that it haunts my thoughts to this day. A promise was made, a very important one. And then the person reneged. I shouldn’t be that surprised; the same person had flaked on me in the past several times. But being sick now, that disappointment hit me like a ton of bricks. Why had that person made a promise they knew they wouldn’t keep? Was it a vengeful decision done on purpose to cause me pain? Or did they merely just not realise how hurtful their flakiness could be? Why make a promise? Why break it? Why offer help at all if there was never going to be follow through? Tons of similar questions swirl through my head constantly. I often wonder if I would be this mad or disappointed if I were healthy. If I still worked my 9 to 5, had savings in the bank, if I were more independent, more mentally put together, would a rejection or disappointment such as this one, hit me as hard? I guess I’ll never know.
The upside about disappointments when you’re ill is that since you’re on limited time or borrowed time, or just aware of time in general, you’re less likely to accept people’s bullshit. When I was healthy I was more apt to accepting apologies, or even just bad behavior. I was willing to sweep things under the rug or look the other way. Not so much now.
Mess with me now, flake out, treat me badly, reject me, disappointment me… I don’t need to keep you around. I have no time for disappointing behavior. My time is precious, and the people who share it with me treat me with the respect that I deserve. If you want to behave badly, you can do that with someone else that will put up with your BS. Cause this girl right here, isn’t having it.
If you’d like to help me become more independent and less likely to fall for the BS help of others, please donate to my life fund. I am trying to raise money for rent and life necessities while I’m ill and can’t work.