Addressing my fears
Today my therapist told me that it’s important to address my fears. I guess there is a part of me that’s been hiding from them and from the reality of my disease. So here they are in list form so I can start working on them…
**My own mortality
Each week I am faced with a new diagnosis, often scarier than the last. Two short years ago I only had Rheumatoid Arthritis, and now it’s super aggressive, and I also have Lymphoma, Osteoporosis, possibly Cervical Cancer, and a soon to be increased risk of Bone Cancer.
This isn’t just me looking to the future for remission anymore. With the increasing fractures brought on by day to day activities, the worsening symptoms and side effects, it’s been made clear to me that I am not getting better and that I should be aware of all possible outcomes, including death.
33. I’m 33 and I have to think about the chances of my life ending in the next decade, and not five to six.
Its becoming more and more of an increasing reality with each passing day. I haven’t raised enough to move out and I need to find a new place to live very very soon. I’ve asked, even begged, family members to help and have received very little in return. I always thought that if my circumstances became dire, somehow someone would step up and help me. It’s incredibly horrifying and scary to realize that I was wrong. Blood is not thicker than water as it turns out.
I can only be eternally grateful that friends and even friends of friends have stepped up and made amazing contributions to my health and wellbeing. To those who have supported me selflessly… Thank you.
You’d think I’d be used to the pain by now. But I’m not. I thought I had experienced the worst that my body could deliver in the form of inflamed joint pain… Then my ribs cracked. I felt every bump, every pothole, and every imperfection on Hawaii’s roads today as if they were a tiny Armageddon inside my body. Each time the car hit a crack in the road my ribs felt like they were splitting slowly one by one. Each time we came to a stop it was as if I had all the air sucked from my lungs, an elephant placed on my chest, and a drill sergeant yelling at me, demanding I take in a deep breath.
Every day I feel more pain than the last. A new nightmare setting up shop inside a body that welcomes it with open arms.
**Loss of self
All these crazy medications on the market these days have some of the worst side effects you can imagine. And the insanity of it all is that I started with ONE DISEASE. Rheumatoid Arthritis. But to fix the RA and manage the pain, I had to take steroids, biologics, and opiates. These three types of meds can cause a myriad of health problems including exhaustion, pain, weight gain, cancers, loss of Bone density, dizziness, compromised immune system, and more. I received ALL of these complications including two types of cancer. So instead of ONE problem, I now had several. Two years later I have now ALSO developed Osteoporosis. And the only good medications on the market for really helping with that can cause you to become half of yourself. To function on this medication I will have to have a pain medication pump surgically implanted in my body, take anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications, and basically hermit myself in my home as to not accidentally break my body.
Yes, this is definitely the life I’ve always dreamt of…
But you know, I’m lucky they tell me. Lucky to be alive.
Alive… Is that what this looks like?
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Posted on July 15, 2015, in The Journey and tagged alone, chronic illness, chronic pain, death, fears, fundraiser, life, money, mortality, rheumatoid arthritis, Rheumatoid Disease. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.