Helpless

My hands.

They hurt. They hurt so bad. I knew it before I opened my eyes this morning. Stupid weather and stupid barometric pressure. Ruining my life.

It’s amazing what you use your hands for without realizing. You really take them for granted. Without them you would be helpless.

This morning I can’t grip anything because they hurt too much. And they hurt because my Rheumatologist is tapering my medications so I can get off them. This is the result. Overwhelming pain and the inability to do ANYTHING. So for all those people out there that feel the need to tell me on a daily basis that I would feel so much better if I just got off my meds… How about you spend a day in my shoes? Spend a day in my body. Then YOU can feel exactly what it feels like to stop taking your meds to “feel better”. You can understand what it feels like to not be able to straighten your arms because your elbows are too swollen and stuff. You can relish the feeling of not being able to hold your toothbrush because your fingers can’t grip the plastic and holding it to your mouth is too painful. Once you know what it feels like to be stuck on the toilet seat because it’s too painful to hold onto the wall or sink and pull yourself up, then we can have coffee and discuss war stories.

They hurt so bad.

10 minutes on the toilet (only 1 minute doing actual business), because that’s how long it takes me to maneuver standing again. 20 minute cold shower, the hot flashes are almost intolerable this morning, and I can’t squeeze shampoo out of the bottle without crying. 10 minutes trying to get my bra on, can’t wear a dress as usual today because they are all dirty and it’s too painful to carry my laundry basket downstairs and do the washing. Another 5 minutes buttoning my shorts because the only clean ones left are the three button fly ones that I absolutely have to wear a belt with. Ugh.

Can’t squeeze my toothpaste or hold my toothbrush properly. Shit. Guess mouthwash will just have to do this morning. Cupping water in my hands to rinse might as well be circus entertainment.

Gosh I’m hungry. So so hungry. Nausea last night stopped me from eating dinner. Plus when you feel like you’re sweating to death the last thing you want is to put food in your mouth. But now it’s a new day, and I’m hungry. But I can’t open my fridge. As soon as I make an attempt to pull the door open I scream out in pain. My wrists won’t take the weight. Ok so what food is in my cupboards… Tea? Nope can’t boil water. Coffee? Nope, I can’t lift my keurig down from the top of the fridge. Oatmeal? Can’t lift the pot from under the sink. A hearty breakfast of triscuits and Dijon? Nope. Guess I’ll skip breakfast today, again.

You don’t realize how much you use your hands. You don’t realize that without them, you are helpless.

I am helpless.

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About sixthousandsteps

In March of 2013, I was diagnosed with chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis and was told my disease was very aggressive. Every day since then has been an ongoing struggle and life lesson on how to stay positive and keep fighting. This blog is a glimpse of how it all came to be, and who knows what the future holds.

Posted on September 2, 2015, in The Journey and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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