Why me?

It’s not genetic.
That’s what they tell me.
So this didn’t come from someone in the family. I can’t lay blame on an old relative that died years ago from an unknown anomaly that was probably arthritis.

So then where? I don’t understand how one morning when I was 27, I suddenly woke up with this debilitatin))g, chronic disease. I don’t understand how it gets worse with every passing day.
I don’t understand how some days I can wake up and look and feel normal, free. Where does the pain go on those days? Where does it hide? Is there a secret spot in my body where it lays dormant? And how do I banish it there forever?

Yesterday I was at a functioning 5/10. That’s what my life breaks down to these days, numbers and scales. How I’m feeling, how I’m functioning, one out of ten. However, lately it’s more like 15-20/10. My doctors say it’s can’t be like that. That the worst is always just 10. Well, no I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Because what 10 was yesterday, is now only a 6 compared to today’s pain. It’s not accurate for me to call it 10. They don’t understand that yesterday’s 10, even last week’s 10, is not even close.

I’m just wish people could feel my pain, only for a moment, and understand what I’m dealing with. The excruciating pain in my knees as I try to climb out of bed… I never get used to how terribly bad it is. The involuntary yelp that escapes my mouth as the flesh around my knees and feet burn with pain. The quick second of relief I feel as I lean my head against the wall, a moment to rest before moving on.

I had a migraine early on last night. My head throbbed as I lay in my darkened bedroom with the fan on, willing it to dissipate. Luckily, I fell asleep just after 7, the migraine fading with the approach of zzzz’s. But then I woke up just after midnight with a new onslaught of pain.

I’ve been awake ever since. Every single joint on my body is inflamed, puffy, red. Every movement causes horrible pain. My bones feel broken. My muscles and flesh burn with searing pain. Everything hurts everywhere. Moving is brutal. I’ve been crying for hours. You say my pain must be 10/10, Doctor? Wrong.  It’s 20/10. Deal with it. 10/10 would be a walk in the park. I’d love a 10/10 just this once!

I especially don’t understand how my doctor told me today that the next month is only going to get worse. You’re my Rheumatologist, please just this once, fix me. Give me something that will keep me from being bedridden. Do something for me, PLEASE. Stop this pain, I beg you. Fix me. Fix this. Make it go away. Make it tolerable.

I don’t want to be in pain anymore. Give it to someone else, I beg you.

Why me? Why?

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