I wish you would

I wish you would see the real me, the me that no one sees.

I wish you could see through the denial of what I have in your mind.

I wish you would see the me that struggles every day.

I wish you would see how hard it is for me to maintain this vision of wellness that you expect me to project.

I wish you could see how hard it is for me to live with this pain day in and day out.

I wish you could see your own fear that you push onto me when you tell me to get over it or just push through, like it’s just a bad day and not the disease that is killing me.

I wish you would believe me when I tell you the truth of what is happening to me, and what my doctors are telling me.

I wish you could see that I need you more than just in name, in title. That I need you to actually be a parent, a supporter, a friend.

I wish you would stop being passive aggressive when I tell you I don’t feel well, and not brush it off like I’m being lazy or dramatic or not willing to give my all.

I wish you would help me financially as much as you help yourself.

I wish just once you would ask me if I need help, if there’s anything you could do for me.

I wish you would see how scared I am.

I wish you would see how frail I am.

I wish you could see that deep down inside I’m just a girl who never asked for this, never wanted this.

I wish you would accept me for who I am, all of me.

I wish you could accept that even though my body has changed I’m still me, and that I didn’t want to look like this. It was out of my control.

I wish you could see past the weight gain, see past the medications, and the sickness, and just love me.

I wish you would love me as much as you love everyone else, and treat me as an equal, not an outcast.

I wish you would stop pretending to the world how great you are, how supportive you are, and show how really cold you are.

I wish you would tell everyone that I asked you for help and that you told me I didn’t earn it.

I wish you would tell everyone the truth, that you have not given me even 10% of the support I really need, even though you are one of the people I need it the most from.

I wish you would love me like everyone thinks you do, how you tell everyone you do. I wish it didn’t feel like a lie.

I wish you knew how hard it was for me to get out of bed today, how painful it was just to grip the sheets and pull back the covers.

I wish you could understand how hard it was to have someone help dress me, how hard it is as a 35 year old woman, to have someone else help me put my underwear on.

I wish you could see how I struggle to do even the simplest things, like pour myself a glass of water, or even lift the glass to my lips.

I wish you could see the real me, the one that is in pain every day and just wants this to end.

I wish you would treat me with the love and respect that I deserve, and give me the support you tell everyone you give, the support you have deluded yourself into thinking you give.

I wish everyone saw the truth of what is happening to me. I wish people truly understood and believed me when I tell them I am dying. I am truly dying. It could be a year, it could be ten. But the truth is I will probably go before almost everyone I know, including my parents.

I wish you would all just understand how hard that is for me to process. How hard I struggle with my mortality. How hard I struggle with everything.

I wish you all knew how little I have in this world. How I am close to bankruptcy, that I have bills piling up, and that I’m about to lose the roof over my head. I wish you could understand how many people I have in my life that could change my circumstances in a minute, keep me from homelessness, truly take care of me, but choose to do nothing. People who lie and tell everyone how supportive they are of me and understand how ill I am but would rather spend money on trips, shopping, eating out, and material things. If only they could look inside themselves and see that if they sacrificed one present to themselves, I could be housed for a year, or for life.

I wish you could understand how little and terrible they make me feel when I ask for even the smallest amount of help. I wish you could understand that they told me I didn’t earn their love or their help, and that they don’t need to take care of me.

 I wish you could understand that this is my reality. It has been since before I was sick. That this is what I’ve dealt with for years.

I wish I wasn’t dying. I wish I could be happy. I wish the world I knew wasn’t the world I live in.

I wish a lot of things.


My last trip to the hospital ^

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About sixthousandsteps

In March of 2013, I was diagnosed with chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis and was told my disease was very aggressive. Every day since then has been an ongoing struggle and life lesson on how to stay positive and keep fighting. This blog is a glimpse of how it all came to be, and who knows what the future holds.

Posted on December 15, 2016, in The Journey and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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