There have been many moments across these years of sickness that I have wanted to give up.
They hit me especially hard when I am in hospital and feeling at a loss. There in the dark of night, bound by my illness to a hospital bed, the thoughts creep in. They ask if I’ve had enough. They wonder why I haven’t given up yet. They remind me how very tired I am.
I have looked back at the darkness countless times and felt so alone. It’s true, I tell the dark, I am so tired.
But I always find my way to the next morning and continue living with the illness, living with this disease.
Last week, I had one of those moments. Laying in a dark hospital room, tears streaming down my face as I looked into the darkness, asking why I had to go through such pain. But yet again, I saw myself through the dark and woke the next day, still sick, but determined to live through it.
I often get asked how I get through my life without being depressed, people confused by my cheery disposition. Please don’t make me out to be a hero. You have not seen me at my darkest moments when I have had enough. You haven’t heard my conversations with the dark when it pleads with me to let go. You don’t know what I go through on the inside so that you may see what you see on the outside.
I have moments where the cool and quiet dark looks so very tempting. A place void of pain.
But every single time I see what my life could look like one day when the light shines in. Maybe one day I will no longer know this pain. Maybe one day I can live a life I’ve dreamed of.
That is enough of a reason to protect life, even when your own body is out to destroy itself.
I protect my life to see my dreams one day come true.