Protect Life

There have been many moments across these years of sickness that I have wanted to give up.

They hit me especially hard when I am in hospital and feeling at a loss. There in the dark of night, bound by my illness to a hospital bed, the thoughts creep in. They ask if I’ve had enough. They wonder why I haven’t given up yet. They remind me how very tired I am.

I have looked back at the darkness countless times and felt so alone. It’s true, I tell the dark, I am so tired.

But I always find my way to the next morning and continue living with the illness, living with this disease.

Last week, I had one of those moments. Laying in a dark hospital room, tears streaming down my face as I looked into the darkness, asking why I had to go through such pain. But yet again, I saw myself through the dark and woke the next day, still sick, but determined to live through it.

I often get asked how I get through my life without being depressed, people confused by my cheery disposition. Please don’t make me out to be a hero. You have not seen me at my darkest moments when I have had enough. You haven’t heard my conversations with the dark when it pleads with me to let go. You don’t know what I go through on the inside so that you may see what you see on the outside.

I have moments where the cool and quiet dark looks so very tempting. A place void of pain.

But every single time I see what my life could look like one day when the light shines in. Maybe one day I will no longer know this pain. Maybe one day I can live a life I’ve dreamed of.

That is enough of a reason to protect life, even when your own body is out to destroy itself.

I protect my life to see my dreams one day come true.

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