Airplane Resolutions

So I’m 6 hours into my 9 hour flight from Honolulu TO Auckland and I realise I’ve probably already caught up on more movies on this plane than I have in months at home. I’ve watched “Stuber”, “Wild”, and “Godzilla: King of the Monsters”.
6 hours of comedy, life challenges, and monster movies, and I’ve come to realise some things about my life.
Now, most people like to make new years resolutions…but not me. I like to make long plane ride resolutions. Why, you may ask? Well think about it… What are you most likely to keep a promise to yourself from- A night of drinking, partying, and general debauchery? OR, a really long plane ride where you’ve been forced to TRULY THINK for hours after the boredom of too many movies in a row kicks in?
Exactly.

2010-2019
I faced some really hard realities about myself and my life this decade. I’ve dealt with very difficult situations, and they have taken quite an emotional toll on my mental and physical state across the board.
I won’t share all of them here.
But I will share what going through them has taught me and how it’s helped me move forward in a positive way.

1) I forgive you.
I forgive those who have hurt me. I forgive those who have harmed me physically. I forgive those who have harmed me mentally. I forgive those who have cast me out. I forgive those who have spread lies. I forgive those who hurt me because they hurt themselves. I forgive those who have cheated on me. I forgive those who have wished me harm.
I forgive you.
And I forgive myself for holding onto the hate and dispair that I carried for so long because I could not allow myself to let it go.
But I have… I’ve learned to let it all go.

2) I’m not afraid to be alone.
I’ve spent so many years thinking that the key to my happiness was waiting for me in another person(s). But this decade has taught me that being alone and happy is so much better than being in relationships with the wrong people. Nothing is worth staying in relationships where you are undervalued, abused, disrespected, or manipulated.
I still believe in soul mates. I always have. But I now believe they don’t have to be romantic. And we can have as many as we like. It can be our family members, our friends, and strangers we meet along our journey.
I will never again settle just because I think I’m unworthy of love. I won’t settle just because I’m sick and my mortality scares me. I will be alone as long as I like because I realise I have never been more surrounded with caring people than I am now. Love takes many different forms, and I feel truly relieved to finally realise that.

3) My illness doesn’t define who I am.
It’s been 12 years since I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, and 7 since it turned severe. I’ve been pricked with more needles than someone should in a lifetime. I’ve been prescribed all manners of chemical warfare to irradiate an incurable disease that is destroying me from the inside out. One day, sooner than me hitting old age, I will die from this disease.
But I am an entire person without it.
I am fighting every day to make this life a little bit longer, and every day I succeed just a little bit more. I live for my passion of cooking, and song, and coffee, and cats. I live for my family and for my friends.
I live for myself for as long as I breathe air on this earth. That’s all that matters.

Merry Christmas Arthritis

Merry Christmas Arthritis.
I see you’ve started celebrating early this year.
I thought with the holiday you might have wanted to sleep in, or perhaps take a day off completely.
It must be tiring working so hard day in and out.
Making sure my flesh is inflamed in all the right places, breaking down my joints, figuring out new ways to destroy my body from the inside out.
Sure must be exhausting work.
That’s why I thought you might like to take the rest of the month off.
Surely you deserve a break. 
Put down those chronic pain inducers, your crafty invisible illness disguises, and just relax.
Have an eggnog.

As for me…
Well it would have been nice to wake up on Christmas Day pain free for once.
Hell, I would have even taken a 5/10.
Oh, don’t you worry, I wouldn’t have spilled the beans on you. It could have been our own little secret.
Just between the two of us.
You could still do it you know, it’s not too late…

Ease up on the inflammation throughout my body.
Turn a blind eye, and stop the purple bruising around my knuckles and feet.
Look the other way as you pull the swelling from around my joints, making it possible for me to walk without limping.
What a great Christmas present that would be.
Turn my hands back to normal so they can move again without looking deformed and useless.
Drain the liquid from around my knees so I may bend down to hug my family and friends without holding back screams.
Ease up on the pounding inside my head.
Today of all days, let me feel happy on the inside.

Today.
Just this once.
Please, Arthritis, please.
Let me enjoy one normal day.
Please.
Let me be pain free.
It would be such a lovely gift, one that I would cherish for a whole year.
Let me have a day without wincing, a day without tears, a day of fresh steps forward, and none back.
Let me have my Christmas.
Please?
Please?
Are you there, Arthritis?
Can you hear me?
Please.