Today I went on what I perceived to be a new adventure. A music festival, that my now ex invited me to, those many months ago when we were still happy.
Despite our breakup I thought it prudent to still attend. I love music and freedoms, everything this festival was about.
But I didn’t expect to find what I did.
I thought I’d find myself again, something that in recent months I felt I’d lost. I give so much of myself in relationships. I give everything. And it’s not always reciprocated. In polyamory, it’s very often not reciprocated. But that’s who I am, and I refuse to stray from my truth. I will give until nothing is left, and I am often left alone when someone moves on to another they can receive more from.
I live with a chronic illness that many will never understand. It consumes me daily, and yet I am always optimistic that I have something extraordinary waiting for me out there. That maybe I was given this disease to prove how much I can handle, and maybe one day I will be given something lovely in return.
Tonight I felt sad. Overwhelming sadness that came out of the depths of my being and brought me to a stand still. So much so that in the middle of a festival I had to sit down and feel it moving through me.
And during this sadness, someone found me on that bench. I don’t know who he was. Maybe an empath, maybe a psychic, or maybe someone who just understood deeply my pain. He touched my hand and asked if I was ok. I said “sure”, not wanting to ruin anyone else’s mood.
But this man looked at me, and when he did it was like he looked inside my soul. He saw everything that was me and understood.
And he said, “I see your pain. And not the physical, though I know that also hurts you.”
I was confused, and thought he might be high or drunk.
He said, “You’ve met him, you knew him well, and he could have been your love. But he chose another, and thats on him, not you. You are exceptional.”
And with that, he got up and walked away.
I will never forget those words for as long as I live. This man who didn’t know me, saw inside my soul, inside the world.
He saw my sadness at the loss of love in my life, and though it wasn’t great news, it calmed me in a way I can’t explain. He took away my sadness. He took away my pains. And when I feel pain at the loss of love again, I will remember that I had it once.
I’ve lived a life worth living and loving.