So its not the Apocalypse then?

I know. I know. Its been forever since I’ve written…

Here’s the thing. You’d think that the Apocalypse would be a great time to write about life and all the things. As it turns out, even when you think the world is ending, and everyone is walking around with the new plague, even then… You’ll watch Tiger King on repeat before you update anything else in your life.

All those people who tweet about needing time off from busy lives so they can redecorate their houses, clean out their closets, or work on themselves… Turns out they were all wrong, and we are all lazy as fuck and would rather watch ALL OF NETFLIX before doing anything productive. I am totally one of those people. I spent the first four weeks of lock down baking more than I ever have in life, and eating my body weight in chocolate. OK, that is a gross exaggeration but you totally know where I’m going with that. Instagram is filled with hashtags about “quarantine living” and the oh-so-regrettable “quarantine fifteen”. (insert face palm here)

So, I will admit that today, when I find out New Zealand is ending its lock down in three days, today is the day I finally come back to you. 51 days of lock down, and countless before that when I was free as a bird… Today I find my words and rejoin the internet writers population.

I found a meme yesterday that basically describes everything this year (pictured). Its Luis from Ant-Man explaining in his signature elongated style about all the things that have happened in 2020. My favorite part is “murder hornets invading”. Its not a true Apocalypse unless something ridiculous happens.

However a plague that has infected millions is less ridiculous, and fairly scary. I’ve re-watched “I Am Legend”, “Contagion”, and “28 Days Later” a LOT recently.

However, its looking less like an apocalyptic event now that some countries (like the one I currently reside in) are reopening and rebuilding economies. I know for all those crazy flat-earthers this may be a setback in their doomsday plans… Chill guys. I’m sure you’ll get another chance..

So, what does a post-pandemic era look like for me? Well, first of all I’m not an idiot, just cause my country is releasing some restrictions, does not for a second mean that we couldn’t still be overwhelmed with cases. Our borders will remain closed for a long time. Maybe some people will be heading out mask less and go back to their lessened hand-washing traditions -EWWW!!!- but, as someone who is immune-compromised ALWAYS, not much will change for me. I’ll still be careful in crowds, still tense up when I hear a sneeze on the bus, and wash my hands religiously because that’s just plain common sense!

I’ve been to the hospital twice for Infliximab infusions since our lock down started. Each time I was tested at the door of the hospital for fever symptoms, and had to wear masks and gloves the whole time. Which, for those of you who don’t know, is HOURS! Anyone who has worn a mask for longer than an hour feels my pain. As great as they are for slowing the spread of germs, they are also a mini sweat box for your face. I overheat so easily, and after 30 mins in a mask my face feels like its been in a steam room. You’re overheated and very aware of your dental skills, which will only get better after prolonged oral sweat box use. Ugh.

My mom and I have taken walks along the water, and lamented at the emptiness of the city. I’ve gone to the grocery store once a week, which was nerve-wracking as well as infuriating. I became well aware very early on that there are people who don’t give a crap about anyone but themselves, and flout the rules excessively. Also, this will be the last year that I live without a pet. Animal therapy is so very important for my mental and spiritual health.

So, what will I do when my freedom is given back to me in two days? Visit friends and play with their pets! Visit the cat cafe when it reopens. Catch up with friends. Visit my tattoo artist. Order a meal at a restaurant that hasn’t been cooked by me or mom! And… stay at home like I always do because that’s what living with chronic illness has always been for me.

I know, boring, right?

Oh well, at least I am back here with you. Words, thoughts, and emotions, as often as I can, and as often as you care to hear them.

A chance meeting

Today I went on what I perceived to be a new adventure. A music festival, that my now ex invited me to, those many months ago when we were still happy.

Despite our breakup I thought it prudent to still attend. I love music and freedoms, everything this festival was about.

But I didn’t expect to find what I did.

I thought I’d find myself again, something that in recent months I felt I’d lost. I give so much of myself in relationships. I give everything. And it’s not always reciprocated. In polyamory, it’s very often not reciprocated. But that’s who I am, and I refuse to stray from my truth. I will give until nothing is left, and I am often left alone when someone moves on to another they can receive more from.

I live with a chronic illness that many will never understand. It consumes me daily, and yet I am always optimistic that I have something extraordinary waiting for me out there. That maybe I was given this disease to prove how much I can handle, and maybe one day I will be given something lovely in return.

Tonight I felt sad. Overwhelming sadness that came out of the depths of my being and brought me to a stand still. So much so that in the middle of a festival I had to sit down and feel it moving through me.

And during this sadness, someone found me on that bench. I don’t know who he was. Maybe an empath, maybe a psychic, or maybe someone who just understood deeply my pain. He touched my hand and asked if I was ok. I said “sure”, not wanting to ruin anyone else’s mood.

But this man looked at me, and when he did it was like he looked inside my soul. He saw everything that was me and understood.

And he said, “I see your pain. And not the physical, though I know that also hurts you.”

I was confused, and thought he might be high or drunk.

He said, “You’ve met him, you knew him well, and he could have been your love. But he chose another, and thats on him, not you. You are exceptional.”

And with that, he got up and walked away.

I will never forget those words for as long as I live. This man who didn’t know me, saw inside my soul, inside the world.

He saw my sadness at the loss of love in my life, and though it wasn’t great news, it calmed me in a way I can’t explain. He took away my sadness. He took away my pains. And when I feel pain at the loss of love again, I will remember that I had it once.

I’ve lived a life worth living and loving.