I had an interesting revelation recently about karma. See, for the longest time I thought that karma wasn’t on my side because of the chronic illness I suffer from. I figured things surely weren’t going my way especially if I was in constant suffering from this terminal disease. I’d hear other people complaining about their lives and I admit that it really frustrated me. Not because they aren’t deserving of complaints, no judgments here, but because they sounded so minor in my mind to what I was feeling. And that’s of course wrong. I shouldn’t judge others lives as much as they shouldn’t judge mine. I wasn’t mad at them, I was mad at my disease.
I guess for a long time I felt cheated by life. Cheated by the world, for having this incurable pain that I had no control over. But then I had this great epiphany a couple of weeks ago. It was just after receiving an amazing gift from a friend. I had unfortunately just cracked one of my teeth, while eating boneless chicken, no less. I was desolate because I knew I didn’t have enough money to go to the dentist, let alone go and get a root canal and a crown, which surely would’ve been the case. I was super depressed and had posted on Facebook how frustrated I was that I was too broke to go to a dentist. And amazingly an acquaintance of mine reached out through a personal message and offered to pay for a dental visit for me.
I was floored. Having only one other time experienced such generosity, I was shocked.
Despite my protests, my friend insisted I go to the dentist the next day, which I did. And very unhappily came to find that it was not one tooth, but two! Could the news be any worse? Yes. It would cost close to $4000 to fix my teeth. I was even more depressed by that point. So I told the dental assistant to call my friend, whom would be paying for the consultation, and he would give her a credit card over the phone. While she went off to collect her few hundred, I sat trying to comprehend how I could come up with all that money for a problem that was a pretty big issue. They were my front bottom teeth, and it wasn’t something I could ignore. Imagine my giant surprise when the dental assistant returned and told me my friend had not only paid for the consultation, but also for my two root canals AND crowns. Almost $4000 in dental surgery and reconstruction!
I was speechless. After agreeing to come back later that afternoon for the dental surgery, I contacted my friend, worried at how much money he had spent. But he was so nice! Told me he was glad to help me, having known how much I needed it. Not only did he know I would never be able to pay him back, he didn’t even ask for me to. I could not believe the generosity of someone I didn’t know that well.
That night, as I rested at home with a swollen and numb jaw, I also remembered the generosity of another person. Someone who had read my blog and sought me out because of it. A very generous person who treated my mom and I to an amazing meal at their restaurant, just as a way to say “I care”. Two people who barely knew me, but understood my struggle, my pain, had reached out and given amazing support in ways I didn’t know could happen to people like me.
And of course I have received support in many other ways, from many other people as well. Friends who have bought me groceries when I’ve run out of food stamps, or couldnt get to the store. Friends who’ve paid my phone bill because all I could afford was rent. People who didn’t even know me and donated to my fund to help me have a home. Family members who have helped get me to the er and the doctors office. Family that took care of my cats when I was ill or away. As well as two military families that took me in after I couldn’t work anymore. And all of this done selflessly, with no expectation of payback, or strings.
I have been very very lucky. I realize this now. All this time I thought I had bad karma because of my disease. That I was being punished for any wrong doings I’ve done in my life. No. How very wrong I was. My karma is outstanding. How else to explain why so many amazing people do amazing things for me in my life? How else to explain what wonderful people I have around me, who dedicate themselves to supporting and loving me? If I were a bad person, people would not help me as they do. You don’t give your generosity to someone you think isn’t worthy of it. Not generosity like I’ve received.
Silly me. Bad karma? No no no.
My karma is outstanding. What a wonderful thing to behold. And thank you to all of the people in my life who helped me realize this.
Today I received my fourth donation from an unknown person. I knew some friends and family would be willing to help me out, but I never thought strangers would reach out and help me.
While it may seem like it’s not that different than donating a few bucks at the grocery store checkout counter, or throwing a few coins in the Salvation Army Santa’s bucket, it is to me. Receiving $100 from someone who doesn’t know me, or my life, brings tears to my eyes.
The fact that they asked for nothing in return, no favor, no debt paid back, no strings, and just gave that money out of the goodness of their hearts… it’s beautiful. They didn’t tell me I had to “earn” their respect, their love, their support. They gave it freely, knowing they will likely never meet me, or even talk to me. They gave it to be supportive, because they saw someone who needed help.
And of course I’m not saying that any of the other people that have very generously donated asked for anything in return either. It makes me so happy to see that there are people out there that are so generous and supportive of me and my struggle. It makes me feel like they all are sharing the journey with me. And more importantly, that they want to.
I guess today I am just overwhelmed by the generosity of people. Of my friends who have graciously donated; of my mom’s friends who have reached out to help their friends daughter, some of them having never met me either; to my family members, near and far, some even on different continents; and to the strangers who gave so openly.
Thank you for showing your love for all the right reasons, and for never asking me to earn it from you.
For those who’d like to donate and haven’t yet: