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Don’t ever assume “I can” means “I will”


Inigo Montoya shared this line with us in the cult classic The Princess Bride, one of my favorite and also least favorite movies. You may wonder how someone can love and hate a movie at the same time, but it’s not much different than how we love and hate other parts of our lives… I love tomato soup but hate marinara sauce. I love the beach but hate the sand.

For me, this line is indicative of how I feel when people offer support or help, but don’t follow through on the promise. It’s in fact one of my biggest pet peeves. The best memory I have of this annoying occurrence is through the actions of a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. He would constantly make promises to me, and then never follow through. For example, on one Valentine’s Day, he told me that my gift was that he wanted to take me to this old black & white theatre in town that played old movies, kind of like an old fashioned romantic date night. I was overjoyed by this idea, reveling in the thought of how romantic my man was. I told all my friends about the lovely date he proposed, finding such satisfaction in the idea of my “gift”. But then time passed, and he never initiated the actual date he had told me about. This was when I first realized that he was one of those people that thought that stating the idea/plan/date was enough, and that initiation of said idea didn’t need to happen, so long as he felt generous enough for just offering. God, that got old real quick…

I actually use this irritating ploy as a way of gauging the authenticity of people I come across now. I no longer accept offers at face value, concluding that an offer isn’t real until followed through on. Alas, since falling ill four years ago, there is no offer made more than the promise of support. And this is where I want to invoke Inigo Montoya every time.

What exactly is your biggest pet peeve, you may ask? Hearing this:

“Please don’t ever hesitate to call me if you need help.”

“I could help drive you to the doctors office if you ever need.”

“Call me if you need help picking up groceries or running errands.”

There are more versions of these statements, but I think you get the picture. But they are always, always followed by “It’s no problem at all, I’m just glad I can help.”

Grumble grumble. 

Now I know what you’re thinking, “This girl is ungrateful. These people are just trying to help her, and she’s complaining.” Oh, if only that were true, but if it were, I wouldn’t be regaling you with this story now would I?

In the early days of my disease, I was always so grateful to hear these promises of support. They made me feel like I wasn’t alone, that I had so many people that I could count on. That is, until I attempted to collect on the offers…

Now at first, I thought I must always be catching people at the wrong time. That of course must have been the reason they turned me away. So I started to ask for help here and there when I thought the time was more convenient. But even then, my request to take people up on their initial offers of support, were often met with short responses in clipped agitated tones. Or even worse, comments dripping in disdain that sounded like they were answering a smelly homeless person, asking for an extra bucks change, as opposed to me, a friend they’d known for quite some time.

Like I said, it took me awhile…

Eventually I figured  it out, these people were just like my ex-boyfriend, and they fed hungrily on the feeling of being a benefactor from just the offering of help. For them, the offer alone was enough to make them feel like they had done a good deed. They’d offered someone in need their help, and that in turn made them feel generous and kind. Hurtling their karma in the right direction, and allowing them to feel philanthropic. But if the person in question turned around to collect on that offer, instantly they would feel annoyed and pressured, irritated that they would have to now make time to do something that they themselves offered in the first place. This annoyance that they felt entitled to feel, could then allow them to take a step back from the friendship. They could now tell themselves that they had been generous, and that it was being taken advantage of. While in reality, they hadn’t done anything but make themselves appear petty and untrustworthy.

Now I’m not saying all people are like this. I do have wonderfully supportive people in my life. People who have gone above and beyond to help me, to support me, to love me. I am eternally grateful for their kindness. Although, I do find it amusing that the most generous people are often not whom you might normally expect. But that’s okay. Their generosity and support make me realise more now than ever, that sometimes the family that chooses you, the ones that come from all walks of life, are the ones that make the most impact in yours.

But on the path of never ending life lessons, don’t ever assume “I can” means “I will”.

It’s not a competition

It recently occurred to me that a lot of my friends and family often belittle their own health issues in front of me out of guilt. I’ve done it in the past as well, so I recognize the action. You’re talking with someone who has a long term condition like diabetes or cancer, and maybe they experience constant migraines or something similar, and you start complaining about an awful headache you got the other day. Suddenly you clamp your hands over your mouth, mortified that you’re complaining about a headache to someone who not only experiences them all the time, but to an excruciating degree. It happens. We’ve all been there.
But only until I was the one in the chronic illness drivers seat did I realize that I shouldn’t have ever had to feel guilty for that headache, and neither should you. It’s not a competition, and I’m certainly not winning just because my illness is worse than yours.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I’m sick. And knows that I’ve been sick for quite a while now. I don’t hide my disease, nor my symptoms. Everyone knows that I suffer from chronic pain on a daily, if not hourly basis. Those closest to me know the severity of my disease and the toll it takes on my body. But just because I suffer, it doesn’t mean I think I’m the only one. I know there are hundreds of thousands of people out there that are sick, suffering, even dying. And you don’t have to be suffering or dying to want a little sympathy either.

Having a really bad cold, with stuffy sinuses and sneezing and coughing, sucks. Having a really bad headache sucks. Having a sore throat totally blows. Getting the flu is a nightmare. Cutting your hand or cardboard stings and is awful. I’ve had all these things happen to me and I know how shitty it can be. Life just hits us with a bus sometimes and it’s unavoidable.

So don’t feel like you have to hide your pains or illnesses from me because you think I get it worse. It’s not a competition on who feels more awful. Please don’t hide how you feel. Share your aches with me. Tell me about that awful paper cut. Let me support you, and make you a cup of tea for that terrible headache. We all get sick, and hurt, and feel crappy at times. You are not any less important because you don’t have a chronic illness and have 14 doctors on speed dial. A lot of you support me when I’m down and out, which is more often than not. Let me help you when you’re not feeling so hot either.

It’s not a competition. It’s just life.

If you’d like to help support my medical efforts and financial struggles, please visit my donation fund. All help is appreciated…

Christine Lilley’s Life Fund